


happy virus....??

by junmyeonssi



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fluff, Im tired, M/M, Self-Harm, chanyeol should be protected, jongin is soft, stan ATEEZ, stan a.cian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-07 16:07:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16857139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junmyeonssi/pseuds/junmyeonssi
Summary: because chanyeol needs love and appreciation





	happy virus....??

**Author's Note:**

> oof pls come support me irl  
> also do stan ateez

Maybe others didn’t notice but Jongin definitely did. He saw how Chanyeol was duller. Less happy, but put on a smile to please the fans, annoyed Kyungsoo until Kyungsoo snapped and fought back, continued pretending to be hyper and loud and brash even when Jongin could see that in Chanyeol’s eyes was a look of defeat, sadness. On stage, Chanyeol was completely different, whereas he was a bit more subdued in private and less smiley, his on stage presence was quite a change. Chanyeol had become the epitome of a hyper beagle who just wanted to play. Jongin wished everybody would notice that maybe, just maybe Chanyeol wasn’t always the happy virus and sometimes he just needed for people to need him. If Jongin also wished that Chanyeol would reciprocate his feelings, nobody ever needed to know. 

Slowly, subtly there was a change in Chanyeol. Chanyeol didn’t expect for anybody to notice, after all he was always happy, who would think he was any different in private? But the thing was, Chanyeol was tired of life, tired of rumors, tired of the constant reminders that he had to be happy, tired of well, everything. He just wanted it all to end. What was the point of living if all he had to do was put on a smile and act happy? It had been a slow progression that started when Yifan had left EXO. Of course nobody would notice the change in their happy rapper, because wasn’t it Junmyeon who was close to Yifan? Chanyeol was in EXO-K the chances of him being close to Yifan were apparently none in the eyes of the rest of the group. So he acted happy again, even though he felt more misplaced than ever. Yifan had been the one person taller than him. Yifan had made him feel more comfortable, because for once he wasn’t the tallest, wasn’t the gangliest. Yifan had helped him lose the feelings of being not enough and the sadness, but since he left, those feelings were back. Gradually he lost all the progress Yifan had made with him, until he was back to the deep pit of anxiety, hatred, and sadness. Then Luhan and Tao left. It didn’t have quite the same effect on Chanyeol as he wasn’t all that close to them but the effect on the group and their moods was enough to send Chanyeol back to the anxious, insecure place in his mind. He put on a smile anyway. 

And then the comments from haters and antis began popping up. Curiously, Chanyeol had clicked a link a fan had sent him. The link was to a discussion between fans of who they disliked the most. Chanyeol’s name was the most picked. Although he didn’t have the greatest English, he could still understand what the fans were saying. How he was just too much and was always annoying, how he was narcissistic and mean, how he bullied his members, was too clingy, continually got onto everybody else’s nerves. Chanyeol saved the article. Later at night when nobody would ever see him, he began looking up various hate comments from people. If this also sent into a faster spiral to the bottom, nobody ever needed to know. He laughed at nothing. 

One day he broke. Chanyeol had stayed back at the dorms claiming he was busy while the rest of the members went out to some ramen place Baekhyun had found. In reality, Chanyeol’s claims of ‘busy’ meant he was going cry. His sobs filled the dorm. That same day, Chanyeol picked up a razor and sliced through the pale skin of his thighs. He stared blankly at the blood that was rolling down his leg. The vague thought of needing to clean up before anybody came back went through his head but he ignored it because finally, finally, he felt slightly better about himself. Less gangly, less weird, less horrible to the people he cared about. Eventually Chanyeol cleaned up the blood and hid the razor but that day, a new habit was created. Whenever Chanyeol felt down, he cut himself. He ran around ‘annoying’ people like normal. 

Jongin had been giving him weird looks lately. It was like Jongin suspected him of something, what did he see? Chanyeol hoped Jongin hadn’t seen his scars or cuts. With Jongin, Chanyeol had the urge to protect him, because Jongin when Chanyeol had first met him, hadn’t known anything about the world. Jongin was in a sense, very innocent, but the way he danced was the complete opposite. It was fitting he had been given a stage name. Because Kai would burn up the stage with his dances while Jongin was cute and shy and more likely to be attempting to sleep on Kyungsoo or even eating chicken happily. Chanyeol wondered if it was possible for the boy who had been so innocent at the start to have noticed the downwards trail Chanyeol had taken. Maybe not, maybe Chanyeol was only flattering himself with the thought that someone could possibly notice his negative behavior. Chanyeol shrugged and began pestering Kyungsoo about food. 

In the next days, there was an obvious change. Members began coming up to Chanyeol and hugging him or trying to cuddle him or just mumbling words into Chanyeol’s neck. Words like, “I love you.” Chanyeol questioned them several times about their new behavior towards him but they only shrugged and held him tighter. After so long, Chanyeol felt like he could fit back in again, like he might not be too tall. Maybe his smile directed at the interviewer was genuine. 

Given some time to himself, Chanyeol realized that Jongin hadn’t come up to him at all, but Jongin had directed a bit of a knowing smirk towards Chanyeol. Had it been Jongin who had told everybody about his more subdued behavior? Chanyeol didn’t know but he did know that he hadn’t cut in a few days, the members had taken away so many of the anxious, hateful feelings he had that Chanyeol hadn’t really felt a need to cut. But with the realization that it was probably Jongin who had told the members and that he might have caused Jongin to be worried, the sad, anxious, ugly feelings came back. Chanyeol cut that night. He plastered his fake smile on the next day. 

Watching Jongin carefully, Chanyeol had hoped to figure out how Jongin had noticed and why Jongin had decided to do something about it. Even though the group was close, they often let the members figure out problems especially when it came to relationships. Chanyeol was mildly surprised nobody had written off his mood as a reaction to a break up. Despite the lack of privacy that came with being an idol, all of them had at one point or another, dated someone. Who the members dated was always hidden from the group because none of them wanted to make someone feel awkward meeting up with someone who might’ve dated another member, so they just kept quiet. Of course Baekhyun would bring in that maybe some of them were gay and could be hiding it because they didn’t want to be judged. This led to Junmyeon declaring that if anybody judged someone for being gay, that person would get punished somehow. Which caused Jongdae to randomly exclaim he was gay and dating Baekhyun, to Baekhyun's major embarrassment and the members laughing at the newly outed couple. A few weeks later, Jongin had come out as bisexual and Sehun just….was questionably gay but he refused to acknowledge Jongin’s claim. Maybe Jongin noticed things faster than others because he just was intuitive to people’s moods. Later that day, Minseok cuddled him and all thoughts of how Jongin had noticed his mood went out the window, because he just felt so comfortable in Minseok’s lap. If he fell asleep there, nobody other than Minseok had to know. 

Of course observing Jongin might not have been one of Chanyeol’s brightest ideas. His attraction to Jongin was becoming a full on crush. But Chanyeol just had to know how Jongin had figured it out. So what if he noticed how Jongin would constantly mess with his hair, dance anywhere and everywhere, put his hands up to his face when he was sleepy, and get clingy whenever he was tired? It was natural for him to notice Jongin’s habits, right? Perhaps the butterflies in Chanyeol’s stomach and the happiness whenever Jongin would pay attention weren’t quite as normal, but Chanyeol buried the thoughts in the back of his head and continued watching Jongin. 

Although Jongin probably had noticed Chanyeol’s dulling mood and informed the group, what he hadn’t accounted for was how severe Chanyeol’s current mood was. Chanyeol was grateful for that at least, if Jongin knew how well, broken he was, Chanyeol would be devastated. He wanted to protect Jongin, not ruin him. After thinking about it a lot, Chanyeol decided that it was for the best that Jongin had chosen to avoid him. Absent-mindedly, he wondered if what he felt for Jongin could be close to his feelings for Yifan. The need for affection was the same, he had cared deeply for Yifan and this felt very close to the same, but most importantly, he felt safe around Jongin, like nothing could ever hurt him and nothing could hurt Jongin either. Chanyeol stared blankly at a spot on the wall while he tried to sort out his feelings. He got distracted two seconds later by Baekhyun jumping on him and stealing the remote in his hands. Life as usual. 

Chanyeol knew better than comparing Jongin with Yifan but he couldn’t help it. He knew that Jongin was a bit more observant than Yifan and that Yifan was blunter but more affectionate with Chanyeol. Jongin was shy and more likely to wait for the other to approach him unless they were very, very close, like he was with Kyungsoo. Yifan had understood everything Chanyeol felt and said about being too tall, because Yifan had been taller than him. Maybe Yifan had mainly comforted and taken care of Chanyeol, but in Yifan’s worst moments, it had been Chanyeol, not Junmyeon, not Tao, who had reassured him. Jongin had none of this with Chanyeol. In fact, he was shorter than Chanyeol. But despite all of the contrasts, Chanyeol could feel the familiar sense of safety that he had had with Yifan. This scared him, slightly but he ignored it, going back to wondering about Jongin’s ability to read through him like he was an open book for him. 

The next day, Junmyeon began clinging to him, resembling Tao more. Tao had been so free with his affection, perfectly happy to cuddle people and be cuddled. Whenever Yifan had been promoting with M and Chanyeol was busy with K’s activities, he knew that Yifan had cuddled with Tao. Chanyeol had never been jealous of Tao, knowing that Yifan and Tao’s relationship was different and more of a deep friendship, but as the years went by, Yifan and Tao drifted apart. Then Yifan left. Then a small hand waved in front of his face. Chanyeol blinked out of his reverie. “What did you say?” Chanyeol stared confusedly at Junmyeon’s pout. “I asked you if you were hungry.” Junmyeon repeated his question with a patient smile. “Oh well, uhhh, no, not really, I just want cuddles.” Chanyeol replied. The thought of wanting Jongin remained silent. The day was uneventful and if Chanyeol stayed in Junmyeon’s arms for most of the day, they were the only ones who ever needed to know. 

Apparently today was Kyungsoo’s day. Of course due to Kyungsoo’s stature, it ended up that they just sat on the couch together, watching movies while Kyungsoo fed Chanyeol pieces of popcorn. Perhaps once again, Chanyeol felt like he could fit in again. Kyungsoo just had that kind of effect on people, he now understood Jongin’s obsession with staying with Kyungsoo. They spent the day together with occasional interruptions from Baekhyun trying to create a cuddle pile, but Kyungsoo chased him off. Kyungsoo let Chanyeol into his kitchen and they made supper for the group. If Chanyeol felt like he belonged even more, only he needed to know that, even though he knew Jongin’s eyes were on him, staring into his soul. 

The following days brought Baekhyun, Jongdae, Minseok, Yixing, although Yixing could only do facetime and phone calls, and after him was Sehun. Chanyeol wondered if he could break, he couldn’t stand all the members babying him. He just wanted to have Jongin, not Junmyeon, not Kyungsoo, not Baekhyun, not Jongdae, not Minseok, not Yixing, not Sehun, just Jongin. Although Sehun’s hugs and offers of helping him with dancing were nice, it wasn’t Jongin. Yes, Chanyeol hadn’t spent as much time with Jongin, he typically only had skinship with Jongin on stage or in public, but he couldn’t deny the feelings that came with it. All he wanted was for Jongin to come hug him, and maybe even ask him if he was okay. The answer would be no, but at least with Jongin he felt like he could put himself back together again. That day nobody came to him. Chanyeol felt sad. 

Jongin watched Chanyeol quietly, he could see how Chanyeol had begun to pout and stare sadly at the spot next to him and Jongin wished he could go to Chanyeol. Wished desperately that he could tell Chanyeol how he felt. Baekhyun had encouraged him earlier, claiming that Chanyeol had felt the same, but that didn’t help. His only opinion of Chanyeol was based off of how he had acted during interviews and on stage, he rarely talked to Chanyeol due to nerves, perhaps on both sides, judging from Chanyeol’s reluctance to ask about Jongin despite knowing that Jongin was the last person who should’ve appeared and taken care of him. Then Chanyeol let out a small sound. It almost sounded like a sob, but Chanyeol sobbing didn’t sound characteristic of the loud rapper. Then it came again and Chanyeol’s face was buried in a blanket and his shoulders shook slightly with the force of the sobs. He made a move to get up but Jongin had sometime while he was trying to register if he had heard a sob or not, had moved forwards and held Chanyeol tightly. 

The uncommon sight of Chanyeol crying had ignited a feeling of sadness within Jongin because how had he not realized that Chanyeol wanted, needed affection? He had gotten the members to be affectionate with Chanyeol more, but that was only an attempt to bring back the smile on the rapper’s face, he hadn’t realized that maybe the sudden affection and then the abrupt taking away of said affection might cause Chanyeol to be sensitive. Jongin held Chanyeol tight, stroking his hair softly while whispering soft words and compliments into his ear. The sobbing receded bit by bit. Once Chanyeol stopped crying, he buried his tear-streaked face in Jongin’s neck and waited for Jongin to make the next move. “Are you okay, hyung? What happened?” Jongin may have had his suspicions but he wanted them to be confirmed. “I’m sorry, Jongin, it’s nothing, I promise, just got sad, I’m okay now.” He plastered his bright smile onto his face. “Yeah, sure, and I suppose cats speak Korean, What is the real reason behind your crying and behind your subdued personality? I know you aren’t always going to be happy but why does it seem like you are, well, for lack of better words, depressed?” At Chanyeol’s shocked look, Jongin knew. “You are depressed? Oh, hyung, I’m sorry, I should’ve done better.” Jongin nuzzled the top of Chanyeol’s head softly before bringing his head up with a serious look in his face. “Hyung, you need to tell the rest of the group, we can help. Kyungsoo helped me along with a therapist. We can get you a therapist too, if that will help.” Jongin’s look was so soft and gentle that Chanyeol couldn’t help but nod at his words. “You’ll help me too, right?” It went against everything in Jongin to help someone who he was at best, casual friends with, but Chanyeol had accidental or not, shown him his most vulnerable side and Jongin wanted to help him so he agreed. 

Jongin and Chanyeol let their relationship remain undefined, but it was obvious how much they cared for each other and the quiet understanding they had with each other. Despite the therapy Jongin had had prior, he did still have bad days, but these days he had Chanyeol who was more than willing to comfort Jongin and when Chanyeol had bad days, Jongin was always, always there to hold Chanyeol and listen to all his words. Two months after Jongin had caught Chanyeol crying, he found the scars, there may not have been any new ones, but Jongin still had cried because he hadn’t realized how much Chanyeol had been affected by the world. He also had seen Chanyeol’s phone and the hate pages he had saved. They were gone now. 

It was now a year later and Chanyeol had gotten the help from a therapist, the same one Jongin had gone to, and Jongin and Chanyeol still had a bit of an undefined relationship. Their bandmates figured it to be a sort of friends with benefits type relationship but it was much, much different. They often kissed each other, soft, tender kisses that were decidedly not test kisses. Jongin and Chanyeol had something like a relationship, but they didn’t define it. All they needed to know was that they were each other’s and that the love was reciprocated, that was enough for them.

**Author's Note:**

> yes I half-assed this I hope yall don't hate me but I couldn't remember everything I typed and I hate reading my own shit so pls deal with this unless I decide to try to edit it


End file.
